i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
It's blow job season.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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