peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You dont lie about slip and slides
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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