I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
