Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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