You're earring is so big in my mouth
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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