Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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