if i can run in heels then i can drive
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
