This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
