I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
