dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
