Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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