in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
