I can tuck mytits in my pants
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
