I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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