the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
nutella sex= disaster
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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