So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
