Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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