im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
