she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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