ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
