Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
