I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
