glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
