easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
