So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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