help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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