I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
