You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I love having hate sex.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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