My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
