Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
