I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
