Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I am full of burrito and curiosity
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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