Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
My hand turned me down
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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