i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
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