Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
