mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize