Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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