I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Randomize
