people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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