im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
