I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
