hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
3 2 1 whiskey
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
