First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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