You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
