It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Someone signed my nipple.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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