I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
