i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize