apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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