Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
