I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone š
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Iāve gotta be honest, I didnāt expect to have sex. I didnāt shave... anything. You couldnāt have been impressed.
He was all āplease donāt bail because Iām missing work for thisā last night
Honey no, I need dick. Iām not going to bail
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