I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
