He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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