Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
