I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
