Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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