We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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