Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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