On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
