Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Everyone says I win the strip club
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
