new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I think weed is turning my hair brown
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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