first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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